What happens when one of Football Manager’s most hapless strategists takes a break from football and applies himself to world history?
Can a man who failed so miserably with Everton perform any better when bestowed with immortality and granted complete control of an ancient society of hunter-gatherers? Will he win the space race or die in the dark ages? Find out now or just edge nervously away from the screen, doing your best to maintain that rictus smile.
Teotihuacan belongs to Essex, but we cannot stop there and we cannot rest for too long. The Aztecs have been hit hard, but they are fearsome soldiers and they will regroup quickly if we give them the chance. As dawn breaks, Henry Rollins strips to the waist, covers himself in red paint and leads the charge to their capital city.
Some of our forces were damaged in the assault and so I cannot bring everyone to Tenochtitlan. I hope we’ll have enough. Roll call that morning is an eye-opening experience, most significantly because I accidentally call out Pavarotti’s name and we all get a surprise when he answers in typically forthright style. In the confusion of war, it seems that he actually survived his low-odds attack on the city. Unfortunately, Barry White did not. The Hall of Heroes will be adapted appropriately.
But while we march east, the Aztecs set up a new city in the west. And from the remnants of their own invasion force, two veteran axemen units march for Chelmsford. I have sent everything I’ve got to war. There is no unit that can hope to repel firepower of this magnitude. Fully aware of their odds of success, Depeche Mode march stoically into the hills. These Aztecs….